..ixnay..

let them leave, if they come back, it was meant to be.”

thats what they say right? I fully agree with that too. I let him free, or he let me free? I don’t know either way we still find our way wound up in each others arms and caught up in our odd emotions for each other. Can I tell you how much I adore our relationship? maybe. Sometimes I want more, sometimes I sit and think “wait, does he love me? is this not real?” but then. I remember and still see when he looks at me, its all there. He might mask it, but its there. Its there in how he talks to me, and looks at me, and touches me. I might always bet there. And its the same for me. I believe. But I am not naive, and I am not blinded by my emotions for him. I know exactly where I stand, and how I feel. He does too. He always has.

I’m just curious to see if our paths cross again.

and in what way.

heh.

(mink, if your reading this. I believe I have told all of this to you anyway. And you know I think about you. I love you, with well controlled passion, understanding, and as an individual who does not want to be dependent on anyone. I do love you though sir, not exactly sure how…but I do <3)

I love him. I love him. I love him! I trust him with my deepest secrets, and I trust him with my body. He’s my best friend. Sure, we messed it all up. Sure, it ended? But I don’t care for anyone else more than I care for him.

his voice is calming, his touch is tender. his words sooth, and excite. his presence is a such a pleasure, and he never taking a moment of my time for granted. I crave his body, I crave his mind. His wit, and intelligence. His warmth, and lingering touch. I don’t need commitment, I don’t need the publicity. I know he cares, I know he wants and I know I provide. Words can be beautiful, but his actions echo around me surrounding me with a bubble of bliss.

I love him. I love talking, chilling, sexing…him. I don’t need a title. I know how he feels about me, and I know how i feel about him. Simple, and beautiful.

simply love.

Conformity is so uncool, but we all submit to it. why is it that the aimless wanderings of a nomadic lifestyle is so frowned upon? Should a man choose to sit under a tree he would be criticized for his life choices as being an ignorant bum who has finally submitted to the insanity of an uncivilized mind. We all seek a purpose in life, a calling of sorts. We want to impact, change, be remembered long after our flesh is decayed from our hollow bones.

Forgive me in thinking that there is more to life than what meets the eye. Forgive me in thinking that in the end, tangible wealth becomes worthless. You are only the intangible things you can give and receive. Our human relationships that have become so contorted that human interaction has become the real uncivilized insanity. I refuse to submit. I am going to live without limits, love without limits, be without limits.

yeah.

Growing up we all made a dream. Our dreams tended to be similar, it included a career, a house, a car, maybe a few children. Our dreams conformed to the “civilized” society we live in. Where we spend our youth preparing ourselves for work, and then work to possibly when we are old and decrepit to fulfill our inner most desires whatever they may be. It could be living on the coast, traveling the world, or maybe it’s as simple as entering a profession that you actually have a passion for. Maybe its finally sitting down and reading the stack of books you have set aside with a yellow sticky stating “to read, when there is time.” But maybe, just maybe I want to fulfill my desires, my dreams, my passions before I am old, with a weak and failing body. Maybe my goal in life is not to spend my life in high heels in a all to large house in the suburbs. While this might be a perfectly great and enjoyable lifestyle for thousands, hell millions. I am not one of them. I want to travel, I want to capture some of the beauty’s of the world on film, and i never want to not fulfill my dreams, desires, and passions. I deserve more out of my life to live a life that does not fully satisfy me, no one should. So now i search for a way to maintain the sort of lifestyle that I dream about.

I have choices, I have plans. I’m just looking at options. First, will be college of course. Second, will be the peace corps, which leaves many options following my return. For now, I spend my time researching and staring hopelessly at maps, and photos of faraway places that i will one day see. I know I am not the only one with this dream, but maybe I’m among the few who is brave enough to pursue it. For those of you who are heading on the same track as I am, maybe we can swap ideas. I would enjoy it.

“Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.”
Jack Kerouac

Over the past few days I have been trying to figure a lot out. The past year has been such a huge experience for me so far as trying to figure out just who I am. yes blah blah blah that whole soul searching bs but its not really the same with me. I know who I am, what I needed to find is who I am now. I needed to bury myself in my past and then bury my past. I needed to understand my past before I let it go, and I believe I finally have. I have come to terms with it, and respect it. That is all that counts. Over the past few weeks, and really these past few days I have taken the pieces I have accumulated over the past year and took a good long hard look at what I have in front of me, or inside me rather (maybe?). I think to be complete I need a challenge, because I have never really found one in my life. I need something I will struggle with, and overcome. I need a group of people to encourage me, yet I need to do something on my own to be proud of. I looked at nature farms in hawaii to going off in the woods for a few days on my own. I have finally landed upon the Outward Bound program. One just off Washington state to be exact that includes sea cannoning and mountaineering. I believe this will give me the support of a group while also allowing me to experience things and challenges on an individual basis. I am terrified at heights, so I think that will be my main challenge, overcoming it.

I need to do this, for myself. I need other people to see I am an individual (cough cough mom)  while I also need to do this, for myself. I need to look back and say hey I did this and i did it on my own. I’m sick of giving people credit for my work. I’m ready to do something for myself.

There is more to come on this, “quest” the outward bound would be the final phase of my journey I believe. I just need to find the rest. I just don’t know what it is yet…

MUSIC:

Ask me how I am: snow patrol

Chasing Cars: snow patrol

Goodnight and Go: Imogen Heap.

The walk: Imogen Heap

In my arms: Mylo

So as I sat staring out the passenger’s side window maintaining my usual vacant “roadtrip face”, as Poison streams through my ear buds I got to thinking about the words. “every rose has it’s thorns.” We all know this is true, I mean we all know even the most beautiful person (inside and out) has their own faults, weather we see them or not. It is common knowledge most all humans have many of these said “faults” and it seems that we have this odd urge to tell people about them. When first meeting someone we often tell someone our bad habits and the things that are frankly not the good sides of ourselves. What confuses me is that we tell about our bad habits, we tell about our faults and the things we DON’T like about ourselves. Why on earth would we do that? Why present ourselves in this negative light? We think that talking about our negatives means “oh hey look I love myself for who I am, I can accept my flaws.” I mean, that makes sense right? But many of us find it inappropriate to say the good things about ourselves, the quality’s that WE and those around us like. We don’t want to be the asshole braggart that gets on peoples nerves, but what is wrong with saying good things about ourselves though? I mean it can be taken out of proportion but, sometimes its good for us, and our friends to hear you say something positive about yourself. Until we start looking at ourselves in a positive light, and looking at our good attributes instead of our negative ones we will never judge anyone else by their good qualities. If you want to start seeing the world in a new, more positive light, you have to start with yourself.

so in light of this, thought:

This is me:
I love, a lot. I adore smiling and laughing and honestly just love life. I suppose that is the best thing about me, that I just love living, laughing and jamming to my music randomly breaking out dancing in the halls. I can be friends with almost anyone. I can make people laugh, and cheer most up. I can listen, and understand most peoples problems. I understand, I tend not to judge, and often I know the right words to say to make someone okay. I have strong beliefs, but I am open to new ideas. I listen to the music that i like. I think that is the best thing about me, I listen to what I like. Most might not understand the importance of that, but someone might. I’ll listen to new songs, but I’m not giving up my old ones. Not for anyone. :p

speaking of which, while writing this I have listened to:
Fast as I can-Erin McKeown
More for me-Tegan & Sara
The sound of settling-Death Cab for Cutie
Seventeen Forever-Metro Station
The waiting song-Ani Difranco
AND
Lullaby-The spill canvas.

(since music is important)

–ixnay.

So, I suppose this is where I introduce myself and give you some witty words about how this is a document of my life, or my travels, or my complaints? Actually i’m not sure what this is supposed to be, nor do I know how it will end. This is me…writing my first blog entry. I also suppose that the rest of my neat little posts will be similar, merely writing with no determined start or finish. I’m just another silly teenager with to much free time, internet and a handy little spell checker.  My mood depends a lot on what song I am listening too, and obviously what is going on in my life. Which…I’m not so sure how much I will tell you about my life? See you know as much as I do at this point, truly.So uh, you can call me ixnay because I’m not into that whole giving out my real name thing. Its a bit redundant, and well frankly I think ixnay is a neat little name.  so, hmm. I suppose only time will tell what exactly this is going to turn into.I can’t wait :p 

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