quest
Over the past few days I have been trying to figure a lot out. The past year has been such a huge experience for me so far as trying to figure out just who I am. yes blah blah blah that whole soul searching bs but its not really the same with me. I know who I am, what I needed to find is who I am now. I needed to bury myself in my past and then bury my past. I needed to understand my past before I let it go, and I believe I finally have. I have come to terms with it, and respect it. That is all that counts. Over the past few weeks, and really these past few days I have taken the pieces I have accumulated over the past year and took a good long hard look at what I have in front of me, or inside me rather (maybe?). I think to be complete I need a challenge, because I have never really found one in my life. I need something I will struggle with, and overcome. I need a group of people to encourage me, yet I need to do something on my own to be proud of. I looked at nature farms in hawaii to going off in the woods for a few days on my own. I have finally landed upon the Outward Bound program. One just off Washington state to be exact that includes sea cannoning and mountaineering. I believe this will give me the support of a group while also allowing me to experience things and challenges on an individual basis. I am terrified at heights, so I think that will be my main challenge, overcoming it.
I need to do this, for myself. I need other people to see I am an individual (cough cough mom) while I also need to do this, for myself. I need to look back and say hey I did this and i did it on my own. I’m sick of giving people credit for my work. I’m ready to do something for myself.
There is more to come on this, “quest” the outward bound would be the final phase of my journey I believe. I just need to find the rest. I just don’t know what it is yet…
MUSIC:
Ask me how I am: snow patrol
Chasing Cars: snow patrol
Goodnight and Go: Imogen Heap.
The walk: Imogen Heap
In my arms: Mylo
thorns
So as I sat staring out the passenger’s side window maintaining my usual vacant “roadtrip face”, as Poison streams through my ear buds I got to thinking about the words. “every rose has it’s thorns.” We all know this is true, I mean we all know even the most beautiful person (inside and out) has their own faults, weather we see them or not. It is common knowledge most all humans have many of these said “faults” and it seems that we have this odd urge to tell people about them. When first meeting someone we often tell someone our bad habits and the things that are frankly not the good sides of ourselves. What confuses me is that we tell about our bad habits, we tell about our faults and the things we DON’T like about ourselves. Why on earth would we do that? Why present ourselves in this negative light? We think that talking about our negatives means “oh hey look I love myself for who I am, I can accept my flaws.” I mean, that makes sense right? But many of us find it inappropriate to say the good things about ourselves, the quality’s that WE and those around us like. We don’t want to be the asshole braggart that gets on peoples nerves, but what is wrong with saying good things about ourselves though? I mean it can be taken out of proportion but, sometimes its good for us, and our friends to hear you say something positive about yourself. Until we start looking at ourselves in a positive light, and looking at our good attributes instead of our negative ones we will never judge anyone else by their good qualities. If you want to start seeing the world in a new, more positive light, you have to start with yourself.
so in light of this, thought:
This is me:
I love, a lot. I adore smiling and laughing and honestly just love life. I suppose that is the best thing about me, that I just love living, laughing and jamming to my music randomly breaking out dancing in the halls. I can be friends with almost anyone. I can make people laugh, and cheer most up. I can listen, and understand most peoples problems. I understand, I tend not to judge, and often I know the right words to say to make someone okay. I have strong beliefs, but I am open to new ideas. I listen to the music that i like. I think that is the best thing about me, I listen to what I like. Most might not understand the importance of that, but someone might. I’ll listen to new songs, but I’m not giving up my old ones. Not for anyone. :p
speaking of which, while writing this I have listened to:
Fast as I can-Erin McKeown
More for me-Tegan & Sara
The sound of settling-Death Cab for Cutie
Seventeen Forever-Metro Station
The waiting song-Ani Difranco
AND
Lullaby-The spill canvas.
(since music is important)
–ixnay.
bonjour.
So, I suppose this is where I introduce myself and give you some witty words about how this is a document of my life, or my travels, or my complaints? Actually i’m not sure what this is supposed to be, nor do I know how it will end. This is me…writing my first blog entry. I also suppose that the rest of my neat little posts will be similar, merely writing with no determined start or finish. I’m just another silly teenager with to much free time, internet and a handy little spell checker. My mood depends a lot on what song I am listening too, and obviously what is going on in my life. Which…I’m not so sure how much I will tell you about my life? See you know as much as I do at this point, truly.So uh, you can call me ixnay because I’m not into that whole giving out my real name thing. Its a bit redundant, and well frankly I think ixnay is a neat little name. so, hmm. I suppose only time will tell what exactly this is going to turn into.I can’t wait :p
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