“if you love someone….
let them leave, if they come back, it was meant to be.”
thats what they say right? I fully agree with that too. I let him free, or he let me free? I don’t know either way we still find our way wound up in each others arms and caught up in our odd emotions for each other. Can I tell you how much I adore our relationship? maybe. Sometimes I want more, sometimes I sit and think “wait, does he love me? is this not real?” but then. I remember and still see when he looks at me, its all there. He might mask it, but its there. Its there in how he talks to me, and looks at me, and touches me. I might always bet there. And its the same for me. I believe. But I am not naive, and I am not blinded by my emotions for him. I know exactly where I stand, and how I feel. He does too. He always has.
I’m just curious to see if our paths cross again.
and in what way.
heh.
(mink, if your reading this. I believe I have told all of this to you anyway. And you know I think about you. I love you, with well controlled passion, understanding, and as an individual who does not want to be dependent on anyone. I do love you though sir, not exactly sure how…but I do <3)
chasing.
Growing up we all made a dream. Our dreams tended to be similar, it included a career, a house, a car, maybe a few children. Our dreams conformed to the “civilized” society we live in. Where we spend our youth preparing ourselves for work, and then work to possibly when we are old and decrepit to fulfill our inner most desires whatever they may be. It could be living on the coast, traveling the world, or maybe it’s as simple as entering a profession that you actually have a passion for. Maybe its finally sitting down and reading the stack of books you have set aside with a yellow sticky stating “to read, when there is time.” But maybe, just maybe I want to fulfill my desires, my dreams, my passions before I am old, with a weak and failing body. Maybe my goal in life is not to spend my life in high heels in a all to large house in the suburbs. While this might be a perfectly great and enjoyable lifestyle for thousands, hell millions. I am not one of them. I want to travel, I want to capture some of the beauty’s of the world on film, and i never want to not fulfill my dreams, desires, and passions. I deserve more out of my life to live a life that does not fully satisfy me, no one should. So now i search for a way to maintain the sort of lifestyle that I dream about.
I have choices, I have plans. I’m just looking at options. First, will be college of course. Second, will be the peace corps, which leaves many options following my return. For now, I spend my time researching and staring hopelessly at maps, and photos of faraway places that i will one day see. I know I am not the only one with this dream, but maybe I’m among the few who is brave enough to pursue it. For those of you who are heading on the same track as I am, maybe we can swap ideas. I would enjoy it. 
“Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.”
Jack Kerouac
quest
Over the past few days I have been trying to figure a lot out. The past year has been such a huge experience for me so far as trying to figure out just who I am. yes blah blah blah that whole soul searching bs but its not really the same with me. I know who I am, what I needed to find is who I am now. I needed to bury myself in my past and then bury my past. I needed to understand my past before I let it go, and I believe I finally have. I have come to terms with it, and respect it. That is all that counts. Over the past few weeks, and really these past few days I have taken the pieces I have accumulated over the past year and took a good long hard look at what I have in front of me, or inside me rather (maybe?). I think to be complete I need a challenge, because I have never really found one in my life. I need something I will struggle with, and overcome. I need a group of people to encourage me, yet I need to do something on my own to be proud of. I looked at nature farms in hawaii to going off in the woods for a few days on my own. I have finally landed upon the Outward Bound program. One just off Washington state to be exact that includes sea cannoning and mountaineering. I believe this will give me the support of a group while also allowing me to experience things and challenges on an individual basis. I am terrified at heights, so I think that will be my main challenge, overcoming it.
I need to do this, for myself. I need other people to see I am an individual (cough cough mom) while I also need to do this, for myself. I need to look back and say hey I did this and i did it on my own. I’m sick of giving people credit for my work. I’m ready to do something for myself.
There is more to come on this, “quest” the outward bound would be the final phase of my journey I believe. I just need to find the rest. I just don’t know what it is yet…
MUSIC:
Ask me how I am: snow patrol
Chasing Cars: snow patrol
Goodnight and Go: Imogen Heap.
The walk: Imogen Heap
In my arms: Mylo
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